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[15 Aug 2004|04:01pm]

[ mood | confused ]

Hi all. I posted about my father dying awhile ago, and I'm having a truly fatherless, WTF, moment right now. My Dad died of cancer six years ago, and recently my Mom started to date again. I'm glad that she has moved on from everything, and is getting back out into the dating world again. My brother and I are both in are 20's, so she doesn't have us to take care of anymore, and needs someone or something else in her life. I know my Dad would want her to be happy too.

That said, she just called me and told me that she had sex with her new boyfriend! I'm sitting here all freaked out by this, not just because she did that, but because she felt the need to tell me! Do I even have the right to feel this way? Anyone else have a similar experience?

7 commented | comment

[04 Aug 2004|06:40pm]

[ mood | It's not fair ]

I just went camping with some friends last weekend, and one of my mom's friends (Doug) and his daughter (Jess) were having fun fishing and talking and doing a bunch of things together. It just made me feel so torn between hating my dad and having a case of the Green-Eyed Monster. I hate Father's Day for that reason as well. I wish that I had a father to spend time with. I used to be such a daddy's girl, until I realized who my dad really was. And it just hurts so much sometimes. Life feels so unfair to me when it comes to dads. And whenever I see Father's Day cards that say things like "Dads Make the World Go Round" and shit like that, I just can't help thinking things like, "I wish this Hallmark holiday would die and go to hell."

I cried this last Father's Day, because I saw a little girl and her dad over at the baseball diamond across the street from mu house, playing kickball, laughing and having a great time. I could just feel my heart sink lower and lower to my feet every time I heard them laugh. I know that I should be happy for these fathers and daughters that seem to lead such good lives together. But I can't help it! I would seriously give anything to just have a normal father that I could look up to.

Sometimes I wonder who is going to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. Who's going to be my child's grandfather? These questions seem to love to run through my head time after time, tormenting me until the cows come home.

Anyway, just thought I'd spread all that out on the table in an effort to make myself feel better.


2 commented | comment

KVNN [31 Jul 2004|09:53pm]

[ mood | touched ]

This landed in my email and I felt I should post it here.


Hi, I just wanted to share my daughter's first news page report. This
is helping her heal and she is excited to do something she feels will
help other children. I Support her with my whole heart. I hope we all
can learn through her words. This is what it is all about, the
children and their suffering. So please go easy on her, she is
nervous and wondering if no one will like it. I know she will only
get better and better at her writing she has won regional writing
contest and wrote her first book in the third grade. So my little
lamb I encourage you, I bless you, I release your words......... Here
you go!!!!!!



The Fitzgerald children were abducted from their home in Officers
Housing on Shaw AFB Sumter South Carolina. 17 June 2001 at 9:45 AM
the two children, one nine years at the time and her little brother,
fifteen months old at the time were kidnapped. The children were
located, recovered and returned home months later. Upon the very
moment of their return to South Carolina CPS took them out of their
mother arms at Columbia International Air Port. South Carolina CPS
held them without cause for three months before being forced to
return them back to Major and Mrs Fitzgerald, USAF total time apart
11 months 20 days 9 hours 40 minutes.

In the weeks and months to come we will be publishing a monthly news
letter that will be focusing on the effects that being separated from
your parent(s) has on a young child. This will be an avenue that
Hanna Rose Fitzgerald who is now thirteen will have to express her
pain and that of other hurting children in their own language. She
will be their voice under our supervision. She will bring you
interviews, drawings, poems, art work and messages from other
children who like herself has been traumatized by being separated
from her parents and then double traumatized CPS.


Teen News Reporter

Hi my PEN name is Hanna Rose
I am the new reporter and this is my first report but it won't be the
Kid's do have a voice and here it is.

I am the voice of the hurt children. I shall be OUR voice and I shall
speak for all of us in a voice that know one will forget.

Welcome to the K.V.N.N. !!!
I am glad you are here.

In the near future I am going to tell you true stories about myself,
my family, kids I go to school, kids I know personally and kids who
send me their stories who all have one thing in common

Why? Because someone must hear their cry and LISTEN. Why? Because I
have been in their shoes before. Torn and hurt by grownups who were
NOT my parents. I shall never forget the pain and sadness I endured.
As sad and painful as my story is the only different thing about it
is that I GOT TO GO HOME.

I was on the inside, I personally lived through it. You see I was
stolen form my front yard and taken very far away from my parents for
a long time. Then CPS took me and my little brother from the people
who stole us and kept then THEY kept us from our parents. At one
point I was placed with many girls in a girls home and got to know
their stories first hand. You want to know the one thing we all had
in common in there? NONE of us had been abused. Although many adults
said we were, and they accused our parents of very bad things to us
that were not true.

The other thing is that US Kid's DESERVE better than FOSTER CARE. I
mean no disrespect to those who are foster parents. But ask yourself,
why are you doing it? To help kids? To give them a home? Well, you
are not helping them, you are only making things worse. You are not
giving them a home, they already have one. You are only making it
easier for CPS to keep kids from it. Maybe if no one would be foster
parents then CPS would have to LEAVE US KID's HOME.

Now that I am home the stories of all the other kids are still with
me everyday of my life. Someone, everyone must know that innocent
children are locked away from their parents and brothers and sisters
for no reason. They did not do anything wrong, and their parents
loved all of them, I saw it with my own eyes I heard it with my own
ears, I experienced it in my own life and it broke my heart and my
family's heart too.

Thank You for reading. I will be publishing more pages very soon so
please keep checking back.

By: Hanna Rose Fitzgerald
if you would like me to publish your story, interview you or if you
would like me to post a message here to your family please contact me
at: kvnn@thefitzhouse.com

Copyright 2004 Leah M. Fitzgerald


1 commented | comment

~*Verbal abuse*~ [30 Jul 2004|08:05am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Ah, my mother...quite a story, if I do say so myself. She can be a piece of work.

I'm going to an arts-based, college-preparation high school, and I am under sooo much pressure all the time. Yeah, she says that the grades are for ME, but sometimes I swear that the grades are for HER, just so she can maintain a good reputation or something. I'm never quite sure what her intention is when she starts going off about how "lazy" I am, even though most nights, I stay up until at least 1:00 AM, doing nothing but finishing homework and studying.

Most of the time, I really don't cry about the things that Mom says to me. But really; telling your daughter that she'll "never be more than she already is" is just flat-out anti-encouragement.

Also, I found out last weekend that I'm moving to Lake Oswego, OR, which is quite a ways from where I curently live, which is in Beaverton, OR. I was born and raised in the Beaverton/Aloha/Tigard/Hillsboro area. So everything I know is here. And pretty much all she said was, "I'm putting the house up for sale today." It was as if she was saying it like an "oh, by the way" sort of thing. Well, this is NOT a casual thing for me! That whole morning, I cried. And it was simply because I've lived in the same neighborhood since I was 6, which, since this June, marked the 9th-year anniversary that I've lived here. So her moving me is going to be like uprooting an oak tree, replanting someplace totally different from its original environment, and expecting it to live and thrive without a problem. That just doesn't seem possible to me.

That whole day, all she did was tell me how worthless I am. She told me over and over again that I was lazy. She called me a crybaby. And folks, she does this on a regular fucking basis. Plus, I'm suspicious (in fact, I'm pretty certain) that she does these things because of this: she's self-conscious about herself, and she's upset about the fact that she's not in a deep, committed relationship at the moment. I've tried to tell her, over and over again, that she's NOT fat (which she's not)...she's NOT supposed to be tall, blonde, and toothpick-thin. She's 5"3, folks. She's not bound to look like one of the Playboy models.

Anyway, I've rambled enough.

I could really use some talkage right now about this topic. If people only knew how I feel about my mother. I'm so...torn. I want more than anything to just fucking make her happy for once. But I also want nothing more than to flee my home and go live somewhere where I'm actually appreciated for who I am.

Anyone else share these feelings? Please let me know if you do. Thanx for listening, you guys.


4 commented | comment

~*Loving what I'm seeing here*~ [28 Jul 2004|11:48am]

[ mood | not so alone ]


I'm brand new here. I mainly joined because I'm still in the process of letting go of what I thought was a father. I won't go into my life-story, but I'll give you a brief background that represents the reason why I'm here.

From the ages of 2-3, my father molested me. I told my mom about it, and she questioned my father, who (of course) denied what he had done. Fortunately, my telling my mom about what he'd done scared him out of keeping it up. Unfortunately, the fighting between my parents grew worse and worse over the years, and they separated when I was 6. They signed the divorce decree when I was 7. Apparently, my father still had alot of anger bottled up inside of him, because he took it out on me and my younger brother while we were on visits with him every other Saturday. He not only put us down, but he did nothing but badmouth my mom and her side of the family with things that weren't true, but he also tried to turn us against her by telling us that we "didn't have to" respect her. He said that she was "raising us all wrong."

Well, apparently HE was the person that was "raising us all wrong," because otherwise he wouldn't have molested me and resorted to verbal abuse. But I finally came to my senses when I was 10, and progressed towards filing for a restraining order against him when I was 13. I'm 15 now, and I'm slowly (but surely) working my way towards letting him go and healing. I have an amazing boyfriend who has supported me, and my family and friends have been incredible too.

Anyway, that's my story. Feel free to comment!:-)

2 commented | comment

fatherless times four [26 Jul 2004|02:28pm]

[ mood | content ]

I definitely belong in this community. My biological father was an alcoholic and a drug abuser with no driver's lisence, nothing to contribute to society, and very little interest in my life. My mother's second husband sexually abused me when I was 3, so she divorced him and after the trial I never saw him again. My mother's third husband was an alcoholic who beat his children and I was quite happy when she divorced him. My mother's fourth husband seemed like a real stand-up guy except when he was molesting me from the ages of 12-17. My mother is still married to him, being in denial about the abuse and all (inconsistent much?), but I no longer have a relationship with him. I severed my ties with my biological father when I was 14 only to later find out that I am the product of non-consensual sex. I don't think I shall ever see him again, either.

Here I am! Without a father. It took me a long time to accept that it's better to have no father at all than an abusive one, and sometimes it still hurts. But life seems to be going increasingly well ever since I nixed the idea of ever having a father. For a long time I wanted my grandpa to give me away at my wedding, but I've decided I don't need anybody to give me away. I'll give myself away, thank you.

Oh, I'm 21 BTW. So this trauma is still fairly recent, but I am doing well. Thanks for listening.

5 commented | comment

Reunions... are hard [25 Jul 2004|03:50pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

Alright well... my dad will have been deceased 16 years on the 27th of Aug, 3 months after I was born. So right now is kinda hard for me, I might be writing alot more in here for a could of weeks.

Anyways my mom got this letter in the mail about a family reunion for my Dad's side of the family and she just 'forgets' to tell me.... I guess she assumed I was going... so I found it and asked my step-dad and he told me they were going which really surprised me to say the least since... my mom seems not to have anything to do with that part my my family. So I got upset and told him he would have asked me and all cause as usual in the end they're not going to go and im going to have to think up so lame excuse for why they didn't go which is hard for me since I hate lying to them i mean its my only other family besides my parents and half and step siblings (I was my dad's only child... my mom doesn't have any family since her mother died when she was 3 and her father abandoned her so... I use to be so into my dad's side of the family I mean i go and visit ever couple of months just to keep comunication open and all ( though my mother dones' give me rides down there and I have to find a ride every time) I still find a way to visit them and my grandmother in the nursing home (she had an anurism (Spl?) years ago so she's like a child) Anyways yeah I know I am probabaly over-reacting and all but this is MY family and they're not teh best bunch i know; which is probably why my mother doesnt want to go visit also the fact that she doesn't come out of her room mught have soemthing to do with it.

IDK am i wrong to be angry that she didn't say anything to me about getting a letter or even asking if I wanted to go?? This is so hard for me cause I know in the end she's going to screw it up GAR I don't know what to do.


3 commented | comment

[21 Jun 2004|10:28am]

[ mood | blank ]

I hope everybody had a good father's day, at least as good as they can be. I know they can be pretty aweful, I've gone through it for 18 years now. I got to visit my father's grave by myself for the first time ever, so I finally got to talk to him by myself. It seems funny to talk to him there, when I don't really believe he is there, at least not his spirit. But it's like I'm closer to him because I'm closer to him physically.

Today is my 18th birthday, and it makes me sad that he isn't here. And that he hasn't been able to be here for any of them. It doesn't help that father's day was yesterday to remind me of this.

2 commented | comment

Father's Day [20 Jun 2004|10:32pm]

so yeah.. today is Father's Day and trust me, a hard one too.
Today.. I went visit his grave, put some flowers and everything.
I sat there for a good 30 minutes just telling him everything thats been going on.. our hardships, things that have been happening, and the basic things.
I told him it isn't the same around here without him.. AT ALL.
I cried my eyes out.. the whole time. which is normal.
but i just wanted to post because i know that not only myself, but everyone else in this community must miss their father in some way. and if you don't, i didn't mean that phrase in a defensive way.

<333 Sara
1 commented | comment

[20 Jun 2004|08:18pm]

What are the best songs/poems you've found based on your parental/familial situation?
4 commented | comment

New to community, old to being fatherless. [18 Jun 2004|02:24am]

[ mood | crushed ]

My name is Amy, I am 14. My father passed away when I was 11...first year of middle school. He had lung cancer...so I had to watch him die a slow & painful death. His cancer had spread. It had gotten to his brain, causing him to go insane. He would attempt to smoke his cigaretts while doing oxygin. They had him on oxycotin & morphine for the pain. He couldn`t even go to the bathroom himself! Then one night, I went into my parents room, to ask my mum a question, & there he was...dead. It was the first day Hospice decided to visit him, & he dies...& HOSPICE STILL CHARGED US! But yes...it happened at night...luckily on a friday. I didnt even tell my best friend that he was sick..I told no one. So..when I didnt go to school that monday, my mother thought she should tell the office why....the office felt they had to tell my teachers why...my teachers thought they had to tell EVERYONE why! So by the time I came back, people I didnt even know knew! I spelled in my mum`s room, in her bed for the first month. I think I even spelt on the side he died on. But yes, that is my sob story...more later.

4 commented | comment

[17 Jun 2004|04:40pm]

[ mood | sad ]

Hi, I'm Kristine. I'm 21, an only child, and fatherless.
My parents divorced when I was almost 2 and he disappeared. No one in my family has seen or had any contact from him since then.
It didn't occur to me to hurt until I was in high school. The majority of my friends had parents who were divorced but I didn't notice until high school that they all had contact with the parent they weren't living with. I was the only one. In fact, I've only ever met one other person (on LJ, as a matter of fact) who was "like me" so I am really thankful to have found this community…especially since Father's Day is this weekend.

Anyone else who is in the same situation as I am…do you wonder if your dad thinks about you? You know, like on your birthday and stuff? Do you wonder if he ever thinks about you? How do you cope with that? I haven't been able to find a way yet.

Anyways, hi and *hugs* to everyone who is hurting this weekend.

1 commented | comment

is it ok to hate him? [16 Jun 2004|11:19pm]


hey im new here so ill just tell you about me..

my name is jessica and im 15..i was born in kentucky and my parents were married and i have one brother (jonathan) who is 13 months older than me..when i was born we all lived together as a happy family..and when i was about 18 months old..another lady came into my life..she was pregnant..with my dads child..so..my mom divorced him and he stayed kind of involved in my life for another year or so..and then me and mom and jonathan moved to georgia..where my mom is originally from..and is where we are still..

when i was 14 he sent me my first birthday card with $25 in it..he pays absolutley no child support..since then hes sent me a few cards..with a few dollars in them..its like he thinks money can buy him back..

i spent my whole life wondering why i was never good enough for him.
what i ever did to make him so unhappy..and it just finally hit me that its his fault ill never have anyone to walk me down the isle..its his fault that my friends dads always had to cheer for me at softball games and dance recitals..its his fault that he doesnt know me..not mine..

all i want out of life is a daddy...it hurts me so bad to go to my friends houses and see how much they love thier daddy..and think..i have no idea what that feels like...

my mom is soo good to us..she tries so hard and she just amazes me with her strength..but she isnt 100% capable of giving me what ive been missing out on my whole life..

i found a picture a few days ago of my dad holding me for the first time..the day i was born...and it was the first time i ever remember seeing him..15 years old when i found out what he looked like..

it breaks my heart.

i need him in my life..but now i hate him for what he has done to me..for the pain he has caused me and my family..:-/

i hate fathers day..

i hate it with a passion.



2 commented | comment

hey. [14 Jun 2004|11:36pm]

[ mood | content ]

hey. i'm new to this community. i was looking and i found this.
my name is sara blouin. i'm 14 years old. nn i live in louisiana.

i lost my father this past january 23rd, 6 days after i turned 14. he died of cancer. august 2002 was when he had found out he had lung cancer. then from then on, it spread to his brain, adrenen glands, and then was basically in his blood stream. he lasted 18 months. now, i knew my dad so i really can't relate to many of you. i've known him my whole life, until now.

yeah, i miss him. that's a def. you know? but anyways, i was just explaining myself to you all before i actually start getting involved so ya'll aren't like, 'who is she?'. lol

this is me..

xo sara

7 commented | comment

Delayed Reaction [13 Jun 2004|04:04pm]

It's funny, I've always been fatherless, there's not even a name in the "Father" area of my birth certificate. But it wasn't until I was much older - around 30 - I started to acknowlege I was missing anything. My mom is a good lady, and she gave up a lot so I could have a good life and turn out okay, and even when I was too young to understand what a complex undertaking that was for a single mother in the 60s (bear in mind single women weren't even allowed to have credit cards until 1974) I sensed it was important for me to be a trouper and not complain.

Now that I'm older, (mid 30s) I've come closer to coming to terms with it. It's like the ache was there all along but it never really hurt until I was willing to admit I had it. It's for the best, dealing with it has allowed me to start to heal some of the ancillary issues fatherlessness has caused, but I still feel a certain sense of betraying my mom for wishing I had a father, it feels somewhat like saying she didn't do enough, wasn't good enough.

I wish it hadn't been such a taboo topic, in fact it continues to be something she claims "not to know how to explain," which leads me to believe I'm the product of a rape or a really big mistake of some sort, I've had all kinds of fantasies so brutal and dark there's almost nothing she could tell me that would be worse than what I've imagined. I've tried being angry at her, but I'm really not, I'm just more frustrated and disappointed that as a sentient adult I can't be trusted with the truth. I joined this community to hear how other people dealt with it, to look for common threads, in order to help reveal ways I might not suspect it's affected me (for better or worse).

Upsetting moments [13 Jun 2004|07:22pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Yeah well sometimes I get upset when I think about all the crap my family has missed out on while I grew up and how it might have been different if my dad hadn't passed when i was young but then... I remind myself that its not goof to think about the what ifs. I never had anyone there when I had to go through my step father's knee surgery ( who i love to death) or my mother's ulcer problems when she was in the hospital... or my grandfatehr passing. I never felt like anyone was there for me cause they were worring about themselves... which is fine and all don't get me wrong sometimes you gotta get yourself up to speed before you deal with other people's feelings and well... I feel like I was thrown off to deal with everything by myself when I was 10.

Im 16 now and you know I sometimes wonder ( though I know its bad) if maybe my dad WAS there with me through all those hard times. Spiritually there lifting me up like theu say in church. I think he might have helped me through the hard times when I was all alone... but still I wish I could know for sure that it WAS him and not my imagination.



[09 Jun 2004|01:56pm]

[ mood | sad ]

God I miss my dad. I hate not being able to pick up the phone and call him and hear his voice.

1 commented | comment

hi im new [06 Jun 2004|05:45pm]

[ mood | sad ]

my name is jenny,im 15, and i found this journal looking around and thought talking / getting support could help me maybe..

my dad died augest 30th 2002 about 3 days before i started highschool. its been almost 2 years in augest since he died, and im still in shock, ive been to therpy, and that hasnt worked, ive done drugs, gotten arrested twice, got a eating disorder, and have depression.

im sure none of you wanna hear me talk about how he died and stuff, but if anyone wants to give me some advice about why i cant get move on, or come to the relization that hes actually gone,maybe it would help me!!! i dont know if this is a normal way for someone to act if there dad died, and im just confused and lonely.

thanks ;)

and im sorry to everyone in this communtiy who lost a dad, i know how it feels, and if anyone wants to talk to me please add me!
Their reply was


Hi [05 Jun 2004|06:52pm]

[ mood | okay ]

Hi my name is Horatio and I'm from New Jersey. I'm 15 and fatherless.

My dad was never really in my life which made things hard on me because I needed a father figure in my life. But even though he wasn't there for me, it made me strong. As a kid I wasn't very normal but now that I'm older I grew into things like my looks and personality. My dad was never there to see it but it's ok I'm perfectly fine with the family that did. I became a man and he wasn't there. Doesn't he regret not being there? Well its to late to now...

2 commented | comment

[30 May 2004|04:11pm]

I just recently(5 months ago) lost my dad..It was really hard one me. This year I am graduating and it is making me really sad he won't see me graduate. My dad was a really talented musician and my birthday before he died my dad gave me a guitar. He loved that guitar and he gave it to me. It made me realize how much he cared about m. My dad had problems but he was still a very good person. I miss him a lot.
MY teachers (especaully a certain one) were very supportive and the one is still really supportive and always asks me how I am doing.
The4 hardest part is my dad died of a drug overdose. It was hard because he was trying so hard to stop.
4 commented | comment

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