Two Time Oscar Nominee (helloreplace) wrote in fatherless,
Two Time Oscar Nominee

Delayed Reaction

It's funny, I've always been fatherless, there's not even a name in the "Father" area of my birth certificate. But it wasn't until I was much older - around 30 - I started to acknowlege I was missing anything. My mom is a good lady, and she gave up a lot so I could have a good life and turn out okay, and even when I was too young to understand what a complex undertaking that was for a single mother in the 60s (bear in mind single women weren't even allowed to have credit cards until 1974) I sensed it was important for me to be a trouper and not complain.

Now that I'm older, (mid 30s) I've come closer to coming to terms with it. It's like the ache was there all along but it never really hurt until I was willing to admit I had it. It's for the best, dealing with it has allowed me to start to heal some of the ancillary issues fatherlessness has caused, but I still feel a certain sense of betraying my mom for wishing I had a father, it feels somewhat like saying she didn't do enough, wasn't good enough.

I wish it hadn't been such a taboo topic, in fact it continues to be something she claims "not to know how to explain," which leads me to believe I'm the product of a rape or a really big mistake of some sort, I've had all kinds of fantasies so brutal and dark there's almost nothing she could tell me that would be worse than what I've imagined. I've tried being angry at her, but I'm really not, I'm just more frustrated and disappointed that as a sentient adult I can't be trusted with the truth. I joined this community to hear how other people dealt with it, to look for common threads, in order to help reveal ways I might not suspect it's affected me (for better or worse).
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