Now that I'm older, (mid 30s) I've come closer to coming to terms with it. It's like the ache was there all along but it never really hurt until I was willing to admit I had it. It's for the best, dealing with it has allowed me to start to heal some of the ancillary issues fatherlessness has caused, but I still feel a certain sense of betraying my mom for wishing I had a father, it feels somewhat like saying she didn't do enough, wasn't good enough.
I wish it hadn't been such a taboo topic, in fact it continues to be something she claims "not to know how to explain," which leads me to believe I'm the product of a rape or a really big mistake of some sort, I've had all kinds of fantasies so brutal and dark there's almost nothing she could tell me that would be worse than what I've imagined. I've tried being angry at her, but I'm really not, I'm just more frustrated and disappointed that as a sentient adult I can't be trusted with the truth. I joined this community to hear how other people dealt with it, to look for common threads, in order to help reveal ways I might not suspect it's affected me (for better or worse).