I'm going to an arts-based, college-preparation high school, and I am under sooo much pressure all the time. Yeah, she says that the grades are for ME, but sometimes I swear that the grades are for HER, just so she can maintain a good reputation or something. I'm never quite sure what her intention is when she starts going off about how "lazy" I am, even though most nights, I stay up until at least 1:00 AM, doing nothing but finishing homework and studying.
Most of the time, I really don't cry about the things that Mom says to me. But really; telling your daughter that she'll "never be more than she already is" is just flat-out anti-encouragement.
Also, I found out last weekend that I'm moving to Lake Oswego, OR, which is quite a ways from where I curently live, which is in Beaverton, OR. I was born and raised in the Beaverton/Aloha/Tigard/Hillsboro area. So everything I know is here. And pretty much all she said was, "I'm putting the house up for sale today." It was as if she was saying it like an "oh, by the way" sort of thing. Well, this is NOT a casual thing for me! That whole morning, I cried. And it was simply because I've lived in the same neighborhood since I was 6, which, since this June, marked the 9th-year anniversary that I've lived here. So her moving me is going to be like uprooting an oak tree, replanting someplace totally different from its original environment, and expecting it to live and thrive without a problem. That just doesn't seem possible to me.
That whole day, all she did was tell me how worthless I am. She told me over and over again that I was lazy. She called me a crybaby. And folks, she does this on a regular fucking basis. Plus, I'm suspicious (in fact, I'm pretty certain) that she does these things because of this: she's self-conscious about herself, and she's upset about the fact that she's not in a deep, committed relationship at the moment. I've tried to tell her, over and over again, that she's NOT fat (which she's not)...she's NOT supposed to be tall, blonde, and toothpick-thin. She's 5"3, folks. She's not bound to look like one of the Playboy models.
Anyway, I've rambled enough.
I could really use some talkage right now about this topic. If people only knew how I feel about my mother. I'm so...torn. I want more than anything to just fucking make her happy for once. But I also want nothing more than to flee my home and go live somewhere where I'm actually appreciated for who I am.
Anyone else share these feelings? Please let me know if you do. Thanx for listening, you guys.