Ashley S. (xneonmoonx) wrote in fatherless,
Ashley S.

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I just went camping with some friends last weekend, and one of my mom's friends (Doug) and his daughter (Jess) were having fun fishing and talking and doing a bunch of things together. It just made me feel so torn between hating my dad and having a case of the Green-Eyed Monster. I hate Father's Day for that reason as well. I wish that I had a father to spend time with. I used to be such a daddy's girl, until I realized who my dad really was. And it just hurts so much sometimes. Life feels so unfair to me when it comes to dads. And whenever I see Father's Day cards that say things like "Dads Make the World Go Round" and shit like that, I just can't help thinking things like, "I wish this Hallmark holiday would die and go to hell."

I cried this last Father's Day, because I saw a little girl and her dad over at the baseball diamond across the street from mu house, playing kickball, laughing and having a great time. I could just feel my heart sink lower and lower to my feet every time I heard them laugh. I know that I should be happy for these fathers and daughters that seem to lead such good lives together. But I can't help it! I would seriously give anything to just have a normal father that I could look up to.

Sometimes I wonder who is going to walk me down the isle on my wedding day. Who's going to be my child's grandfather? These questions seem to love to run through my head time after time, tormenting me until the cows come home.

Anyway, just thought I'd spread all that out on the table in an effort to make myself feel better.

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